Trying to collect my thoughts and hold back any attempt at an emotional response, I did that cutesy thing I do with my shoulders and firmly stated "I don't have one". Damn I hate these types of questions. I hate being caught off guard. I never know what to say and to be honest I don't even understand why people believe it's an appropriate question to ask. As if my life, my success, my contribution to the community, my status in this world, and my ultimate happiness are all measured against one thing... marriage. Seriously let's think about this. Does that really make any sense? Ok, I'm probably over-reacting just a bit but if you heard the things that people say to me on a regular basis you would definitely be just as frustrated. Here are just a few examples... while in the process of searching for homes - to purchase as a single woman I must add - my father, who I love and respect very much but his comment rubbed me the wrong way, asks "why am I trying to buy a house now? Don't I want to get married?" Now that's frustrating!! What do you say to something like that?? I just said that I don't see how one effects the other and I left it at that. Here's another... why do people assume that something must be wrong with me if I'm single?? For the record, Never say "ohh so you must be crazy" to a woman's face... That hurts!
Don't get me wrong ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of one day meeting Prince Charming, falling in love and living happily ever after. But considering previous relationships particularly this last one I am in no rush to jump into a situation just because some people believe it's the right thing to do. It makes more sense to continue to grow and accomplish my goals as I have been doing and not getting caught up in the you're-getting-close-to-30-and-should-get-married-and-have-babies nonsense. As ideal as it is, I know in my heart that I can't handle that right now anyways. Plus, I let God's will take control..it will happen when it happens.
The older I get the more people ask "why aren't you married?" They act as if I'm 50 years old. I'm young... It's not my time... I haven't met the right one are the obvious answers. I know the intentions behind such questions are not meant to be malicious but sometimes I wish people would just mind their own business. I guess I never realized how much this issue bothers me until tonight. The question had a new spin..."How's your love life?" Wow! WTF?!? I haven't heard that one before! I know it's not a big deal, I could have easily answered and moved on or chose not to answer and still moved on but tonight for some reason I really got emotional - on the inside of course. It was just a question. He didn't mean anything by it. I totally understand that. I wouldn't ever want him to know how much it bothered me especially since I am the one who is probably being overly sensitive about it. Perhaps because I hear so much of this from certain family members. I go back & forth with grandmom still over the whole Shah break up. It's so stupid. Why do I even have to justify my decision when he was CRAZY and one swing away from being abusive.
Needless to say I know I'm really going to hear an earful in a few weeks at my sister's wedding. I'll have to be sure to put the thick skin back but for now, I have shed it, at least for this moment just to let the hurt out.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
the suga continues
This is fun
Scene two in a different place, a different time. Caught up in memories I wasn't sure how to vibe but he led the way. I got acquainted with the mood infused with candles and music taking me to a level of sensual relaxation. No apple martinis this time but the energy was still sweet. I could taste it with every kiss. No, with every bite...bite of the delicious meal he prepared that is.
Wrapped together in passion we laid still listening to rhythm and blues into the morning. Our chemistry was heightened by the soft brassy sounds of the morning rain through the open window. Exposed, I felt unusually comfortable and at ease. The only thought on my mind was to hold on to that very second. Perhaps it's the sound of his voice that captivates me like an African drum and I feel more connected with every beat. Or maybe it's his songs that he shares allowing me to know what's on his mind and in his heart. Either way, I treasure the sharing and the caring lol. I hope he agrees or thinks this sounds interesting...
Scene two in a different place, a different time. Caught up in memories I wasn't sure how to vibe but he led the way. I got acquainted with the mood infused with candles and music taking me to a level of sensual relaxation. No apple martinis this time but the energy was still sweet. I could taste it with every kiss. No, with every bite...bite of the delicious meal he prepared that is.
Wrapped together in passion we laid still listening to rhythm and blues into the morning. Our chemistry was heightened by the soft brassy sounds of the morning rain through the open window. Exposed, I felt unusually comfortable and at ease. The only thought on my mind was to hold on to that very second. Perhaps it's the sound of his voice that captivates me like an African drum and I feel more connected with every beat. Or maybe it's his songs that he shares allowing me to know what's on his mind and in his heart. Either way, I treasure the sharing and the caring lol. I hope he agrees or thinks this sounds interesting...
No Makeup
I'm not a cover girl but I rarely leave the house without at least some makeup on even if it's just lip gloss or mascara. Actually even sometimes when I'm just chillin in the house. With it, I feel like one beautiful & perfect, well put together package. Without it I feel a bit vulnerable as if I'm exposing all my flaws to the world.
This isn't really about make up. It's about letting go and showing the true you. What's real on the inside just as well as what's real on the out. Insecure is a scary word but we all have them. Some let their insecurities get the best of them when others have an unrealistic, over-inflated perception of themselves. The rest of us fall someplace along the spectrum in between these two extremes. I told a friend last week that I'm probably one of the most real people you'll ever meet. Today I was hit with a dose of reality when a family issue resurfaced. There are things that I cover up with make up, figuratively speaking, and some things that I just don't talk about at all not even in my blog diary. That's not keeping it real! I think what I should have said is that I am very honest, open, and straight forward with those that I am comfortable with seeing me with no makeup. I think that's normal though.
This isn't really about make up. It's about letting go and showing the true you. What's real on the inside just as well as what's real on the out. Insecure is a scary word but we all have them. Some let their insecurities get the best of them when others have an unrealistic, over-inflated perception of themselves. The rest of us fall someplace along the spectrum in between these two extremes. I told a friend last week that I'm probably one of the most real people you'll ever meet. Today I was hit with a dose of reality when a family issue resurfaced. There are things that I cover up with make up, figuratively speaking, and some things that I just don't talk about at all not even in my blog diary. That's not keeping it real! I think what I should have said is that I am very honest, open, and straight forward with those that I am comfortable with seeing me with no makeup. I think that's normal though.
Star Player
How ironic that Katt Williams Friday night said we all should start taking better care of ourselves, the star player. Friday I spent the entire day pampering myself, well a good portion of the day. No work. No alarm clock. No email. No telephone. Just me taking care of my star player... getting a trim, a mani & pedi, and a massage at the Mellow Massage Center in East Falls http://www.mellowmassage.com/. I highly recommend this spot!! There I experienced 60 minutes of pure bliss. The friendly staff, the warm decor, and the calming sounds echoing throughout each room made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the massage. I'm silly because every time I get a massage I always tell myself to imagine that I'm a spaghetti noodle and to just go with the flow. It works and you enjoy them more that way! I was so relaxed I know I was probably talking in my sleep. Oh well it was fabulous! AND I'm not just saying it because my friend owns the business but I definitely appreciated the family & friends discount Gerrae ;)! I am so very proud of her and her business. It's such a great accomplishment especially at our age. I definitely plan to make taking care of my star player a regular part of the routine.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
New beginnings
I always wondered how I'd feel or what I'd say when this day came.
Today I spoke to my uncle for the first time in almost 8 years. From the day I was born everyone said he and I had a special bond. I was born on his high school graduation day. I went to his house every Sunday for dinner growing up. He gave me my first set of dishes. We talked regularly. We emailed almost daily. He was the one I went to when I had roommate drama, when I needed to vent about what my sister said, or what my parents did. I could go on and on but the point is that we were tight. But one day all that changed and the contact abruptly ended. I knew he was slowing distancing himself from others in the family but I was very confused when I got cut off too.
My understanding is that he fell into a deep depression. Even that I would learn to accept but in 2003 when my grandmother was diagnosed with a terminal illness I just assumed that he would come out of seclusion. A few months passed and no response. Emails, letters, more months...no response. Phone calls, drive bys, voice mails, more months...no response. My grandmother passed away years before my uncle decided to reach out to anyone in the family. Yes he was ill both mentally and physically but I could not look past my anger and resentment to be there for him. The more he started to come around and reach out to the family, the more I thought about my grandmother and the agony she endured and it made me even more angry. I prayed to God often asking for the ability to forgive, asking Him to rebuke that evil spirit of hate and resentment. Yet all this time I never had any contact with my uncle. Greetings were exchanged only through my mother. Until tonight...
I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, a person I definitely wasn't expecting. All of the anxiety and disappointment stewing within me during the years we were estranged had disappeared. I felt nothing other than the desire to listen. We laughed a little. We cried a bit but mostly he asked questions about my life. So we made plans to meet in 2 weeks.
My brother tells me to "not focus on yesterday...it's about right now & how tomorrow's going to be." I thank God for this blessing.
Today I spoke to my uncle for the first time in almost 8 years. From the day I was born everyone said he and I had a special bond. I was born on his high school graduation day. I went to his house every Sunday for dinner growing up. He gave me my first set of dishes. We talked regularly. We emailed almost daily. He was the one I went to when I had roommate drama, when I needed to vent about what my sister said, or what my parents did. I could go on and on but the point is that we were tight. But one day all that changed and the contact abruptly ended. I knew he was slowing distancing himself from others in the family but I was very confused when I got cut off too.
My understanding is that he fell into a deep depression. Even that I would learn to accept but in 2003 when my grandmother was diagnosed with a terminal illness I just assumed that he would come out of seclusion. A few months passed and no response. Emails, letters, more months...no response. Phone calls, drive bys, voice mails, more months...no response. My grandmother passed away years before my uncle decided to reach out to anyone in the family. Yes he was ill both mentally and physically but I could not look past my anger and resentment to be there for him. The more he started to come around and reach out to the family, the more I thought about my grandmother and the agony she endured and it made me even more angry. I prayed to God often asking for the ability to forgive, asking Him to rebuke that evil spirit of hate and resentment. Yet all this time I never had any contact with my uncle. Greetings were exchanged only through my mother. Until tonight...
I got a call from a number I didn't recognize, a person I definitely wasn't expecting. All of the anxiety and disappointment stewing within me during the years we were estranged had disappeared. I felt nothing other than the desire to listen. We laughed a little. We cried a bit but mostly he asked questions about my life. So we made plans to meet in 2 weeks.
My brother tells me to "not focus on yesterday...it's about right now & how tomorrow's going to be." I thank God for this blessing.
Career Day 2008
The Career Day at Lankenau High School is not until April 17th but I'm excited about it already. My best friend always says that she thinks I have O.C.D. so I suppose she won't be surprised to find out that I crafted a very professional yet age-appropriate and appealing presentation on business careers in less than 30 minutes... only an hour after she sent me the details for the event. Needless to say I am at work and have a hundred other tasks to get through but I found this one more interesting and I put it at the top of my priority list.
I don't know what it is but I just love being in the classroom. Working with children has always been a passion of mine. I was approached a few years ago after my 2nd day as a Junior Achievement volunteer to consider a career as a teacher. Most people I meet say that I'd make a great teacher because of my demeanor, love of education, and my patience but my hesitation has always been the salary. It's unfortunate that our society doesn't pay teaching professionals what they actually deserve. An even bigger reality is in the school districts where teachers are needed the most, you're more than just the teacher... you're the social worker, the therapist, the hairdresser, the referee, the mentor, and the parent at times. It's not that I couldn't handle all that but the career obviously requires great responsibility with little to no recognition; however, I'm sure I'd feel much more rewarded and fulfilled at the end of each day than I do now. Maybe after I give Corporate America a few mores years I'll seriously consider the change.
Junior Achievement starts again in a few weeks. This year I'm teaching 3rd graders. I can't wait!! The 5th grade curriculum was awesome! I taught the students about business and entrepreneurship. Their "final project" was a marketing plan where they had to think about a product or service they believed society needed and then sell it to me. They were all phenomenal!! I have never been more impressed in my life. I wonder what I'll get to teach the 3rd graders this year?
I don't know what it is but I just love being in the classroom. Working with children has always been a passion of mine. I was approached a few years ago after my 2nd day as a Junior Achievement volunteer to consider a career as a teacher. Most people I meet say that I'd make a great teacher because of my demeanor, love of education, and my patience but my hesitation has always been the salary. It's unfortunate that our society doesn't pay teaching professionals what they actually deserve. An even bigger reality is in the school districts where teachers are needed the most, you're more than just the teacher... you're the social worker, the therapist, the hairdresser, the referee, the mentor, and the parent at times. It's not that I couldn't handle all that but the career obviously requires great responsibility with little to no recognition; however, I'm sure I'd feel much more rewarded and fulfilled at the end of each day than I do now. Maybe after I give Corporate America a few mores years I'll seriously consider the change.
Junior Achievement starts again in a few weeks. This year I'm teaching 3rd graders. I can't wait!! The 5th grade curriculum was awesome! I taught the students about business and entrepreneurship. Their "final project" was a marketing plan where they had to think about a product or service they believed society needed and then sell it to me. They were all phenomenal!! I have never been more impressed in my life. I wonder what I'll get to teach the 3rd graders this year?
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Suga flow
You had rap for me but not til the end of the night.
See what had happened was we caught eyes much earlier in life but got disconnected til now. At the bar he releases his free flow about me, my vibe, my aura and I love it. He questions if I write and I see a challenge because you'd be surprised what I can do after 6 apple martinis. Now I'm here and I can't stop thinking about the taste of his energy. So very unexpected. Definitely not like me but the chemistry is unmistakable. Yes I blog and I promised to do so about this encounter. The convo continued to outside and like magnets pressed together we leaned into the future and talked about nights to come. Now I'm curious. My mind is busy trying to figure out if he was sincere since many of his words were covered in doubt. Energy doesn't lie and if he felt my vibe the way he said he did than there's no need to be unsure. I'm all about taking chances and living each day to the fullest as if tomorrow is a myth. His rap was sweet and I need to hear more...
See what had happened was we caught eyes much earlier in life but got disconnected til now. At the bar he releases his free flow about me, my vibe, my aura and I love it. He questions if I write and I see a challenge because you'd be surprised what I can do after 6 apple martinis. Now I'm here and I can't stop thinking about the taste of his energy. So very unexpected. Definitely not like me but the chemistry is unmistakable. Yes I blog and I promised to do so about this encounter. The convo continued to outside and like magnets pressed together we leaned into the future and talked about nights to come. Now I'm curious. My mind is busy trying to figure out if he was sincere since many of his words were covered in doubt. Energy doesn't lie and if he felt my vibe the way he said he did than there's no need to be unsure. I'm all about taking chances and living each day to the fullest as if tomorrow is a myth. His rap was sweet and I need to hear more...
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Get involved...Be aware...VOTE
The quote under my Honest Tea bottle cap today:
"We may have all come on different ships, but we're all in the same boat now."
-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
"We may have all come on different ships, but we're all in the same boat now."
-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Ready for the summer
Thanks to the March 24th Hair Stories: Quench My Thirst post on "I like her style" blog I ordered the Curly Pudding & Curly Buttercreme products from www.missjessies.com this past Monday and they arrived this afternoon! I'm excited to try these products because I love wearing my natural curls in the summer but I hate how natural hair drys out especially when using products that contain alcohol like gel and moose.
The website contains countless before and after pictures as well as testimonials about the Miss Jessie's line of products. I suggest you check it out...
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April
April is my favorite month and today was a perfect April day.. rain, rain, and more rain! The rain showered the blue skies and green grass and it sounded beautiful. I sat in my office chair, closed my eyes, and listened. Thoughts of being caught in the rain consumed me... being drenched with wet, refreshing kisses soothing my soul and clearing my mind. Then my thoughts lead me to being snuggled in a cozy bed below a large window sill being hammered with rain. Making love all day and then falling asleep listening to the brassy sounds...
I love rainy days!
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